Anxiety - Why the Shame

Anxiety is Over Whelming! 

I do talk about myself a lot but I guess it is mostly drivel. Today will be different I am wanting to get some things off my chest. 

Truths about me that I do not like to admit:

• have bad anxiety
• get depressed
• take lots of medication that increase both of anxiety and depression
• I had a transplant and get sick a lot... I mean a lot - even the smallest thing floors me
• when I get upset it takes me ages to get over it...
• I over think every aspect of my life - even when it is good.
• Have meeting with my lovely psychologist about once a month - who gives me ways to cope
• I view seeing my psychologist as a weakness - not that I view other people that way just me
• Struggle with feeling stupid and not good at what ever I do - therefore always try hard
• Have been bullied during my life more times than I like to think about -from young to present
• Hate confrontation and shouting 
• Never like to admit that I am not strong - stay strong and push through

Everyday is a new challenge and some days are a lot better than others. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

The dawn of a new day!

Other Truths about me that I feel I will never achieve:

• Would like to run my own business and therefore be my own boss
• Publish a book
• Not have to deal with people that are bullies 
• Be able to manage my anxiety so I do not feel so over whelmed and struggle to get out of bed
• Be great at something that I like doing - I am one of these people that do looks of things but I do them mediocre 
•  Be strong when people treat me like shit and be able to handle it better.

Wishing the fog would lift!

As you may have guessed I am trying to work some things out in my head, but it feels that it is so foggy in there at the moment. Portia  (the critical voice in my head) is saying in her judging, very loud, posh ascent  - "you are stupid, useless, horrible person, could not cope running a business, why would anyone want you to work for them you are always sick," etc... You get the drift.

The tiny little voice Alice (the positive voice in my head) very quietly spoken and can be very rarely heard with all the other racket going on, but every now and then she breaks through saying "you are great, intelligent, hard worker, funny, " 

Alice is so gentle that Portia pushing her aside while rolling her eyes, with her Resting Bitch Face... Say sorry as she is shoved out the way, thinking that she is always in the way and needs to be more quite....

Life is complicated inside my head. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest or more like out of my head. I am going to try and get some sleep with Portia screaming in my head.

Follow-up: I had to much chocolate today, but I loved it so much. I have done no exercise again for the full week and I have hardly left my bed today. Tomorrow is another day!