Change, change, change.....

Change is Good!

Today was a changing day for me. My direct boss worked her last day, I could see in her face and here in her tone of voice that she was nerves and sad to leaving her position.

The change in her life is huge - she has been with the company for eleven years and flat out for the last 3 years as if she has just been treading water.

Taking on a management position  three years ago her life changed and took on so much. She was not a great boss but the support was not there and her position was constantly changing.

I was watching her today saying last goodbyes and getting ready to walk out a door that she has walked into  for the last 11 years. It was sad and moving.

I asked myself these questions

• Why would you become a manager
• Were is the support for managers
• Are they set up to fail
• What makes a good manager

Sometimes the things close are just out of focus!

So the position that I am working in is temporary and is coming to a close. I am trying to work out were my life is going and what to do.

Things I have done to make change my life or move it forward:

• Applied for an acting position for my bosses job
• Applied for a job in accounts
• Applied for the management accommodation

Thinking the my bosses position today - why did I apply but I am 99% sure I do not have the position. The interview is the worst I have ever been to. 

Things I said in my interview:

• There was a personality test and I said "oh I did ones of these before and it I was unstable"
• Asked about weaknesses - "I do not tolerate peers or managers that do not work to the same standard as me".
• What are do you think the job entails "managing people" was the only thing that seemed to leave my mouth.

So here I am. I know that change is coming and it is coming soon no matter what. I can not stop and I can not control what is going to happen. I can do things to sway it. 

I am a pebble on the beach getting dragged around by the sea!

Follow-up: I am doing yoga every night before bed and I did a 5k run / walk the other day. I am getting my life back in some sort of order. I am trying to write a life plan - that is not going as well. 

Go for a Walk

Try Walking!

The sun was shinning.I had been sick for a few days stuck in the house and as I opened Facebook for the first time in this morning. One of those memory things pop up.

Look at your memory from 8 years......You ran 10km.

I froze. 'WHAT' I herd the loud voice inside my head scream. I ran 10km as I looked at my body lying in bed with a big pair of fluffy pajamas with my boobs partly blocking my view. I could not even the length of myself now.

I sighed and decided I had to make changes. I might not be able to run 10km but I can get fit.

• Do yoga before bed and when I get up - at the moment I can only do one Sun Salutation, but I can do it.
• I will start to do more walking - I have been trying but not doing a very good job
• Eat better - no more sugar (or cut down on sugar)
• Register for a 5km run
• Do a 5km walk on Saturdays

So I headed off in my new journey of change.

I headed out in to the sun with my head held high and felt this is it time to change.

Time to Walk

I even did my yoga before bed. Yeah me! I


Follow-up: I tried to make the Chia latte - it did not taste right - to much black tea.  I will keep trying. 

Jobs or Career

What to do - Job or Career!

Today was the day to start applying for new jobs. I am coming to near the end of my contract and it is time to start looking. Having spent what it feels like most of my adult life looking for a career, I think I might stop.

I want to find something that will challenge me but will also keep me motivated. Looking at my job options that I have to complete by the end of this week.

There is a 8 week position in a Management postilion:

• This would be great experience 
• It would set me up maybe for other management positions 
• Will challenge me and push me to learn

A property management positions is available:

• Will give me an idea if I actually want to run my own property business
• Permanent position 
• It will push me in a new direction

Accounts payment officer:

• It is a part time position
• I do not meet all the criteria but I think I could convince them I can learn on the job.
• It is not the most exciting job it will not keep me motivated
• It is also permanent position

   Were do I even start I can not decide so I will apply for all of them. I will probaly not get any but here goes.

Instead of starting any of my applications I decided to do a day of cooking! What can I say I am great at procrastination. 

Country Chicken 

Sausage Casserole  

Tomorrow is another day and I will look at everything with fresh eyes and a fridge full of food.

Follow-up: I have not had any chocolate and I have cut down on my Chai Latte's. The reason is I have found a new place to have the best Chai Latte and it is not powder and full of sugar. I will find out how they do it and I will pass it on. Everyone needs a great Chai Latte in their life. 

To Network or Not to Network?

Out and About!

So this week has been a bit of a very unusual week for me. I am doing my usual work running around just trying to get stuff finished.

It all started early one morning:

• I had a tourism breakfast. I headed along for 7:30 am half asleep and bleary eyed. Arriving at the event with my dress half done up at the back as I forgot to ask for help before my husband left for work.
• I had tried to put on a wee bit of makeup just to take the dark rings from under my eyes away. 
• The breakfast was ok... and the talks were interesting but I think I was so tired at this time in the morning I was struggling to stay awake. 
• Headed to working feeling as if I had already done my full days work.

The same night after a full day at work:

• I was asked to go to an event - so off I went at 7:00 pm at night to the next event. 
• I arrived and knew no one. I was feeling weird very over smiling at random strangers. 
• Someone I knew arrived I just about jumped for joy. Chatting to them for a while it was easy to notice that I did not belong here with all the high rollers and politicians. 
• Once the speeches, that consisted of telling everyone how great they were, I said my goodbyes and headed home. 

I decided when back home in my pajamas, that social networking is really not my thing. Smooching did not suit me and I do swear a bit to much as well.

I was so pleased when the weekend came around and the thought of spending the day in PJs in from of the TV.

Alas, this was not to be. 

• Got a call asking if I wanted free lunch. Well Yes. who ever says not to free lunch.   
• I had to dress up - corporate or cocktail. This took about 40 minutes going through my wardrobe trying to squish my fat ass into clothes that I had put on in a long time.
• Once I was dressed I headed out - to my free lunch.
• It turned out it was more than just free lunch, I was at lunch with people that I have only seen on TV. 
• It surely and completely out of my depth, for the first hour II struggled to say anything. 
• I even introduced my self and did not mention my name.

Dressed up trying to fit in

I was never so happy to be home. 

Sunday consisted of things I can handle so much better:

• Wearing PJs most of the day
• Hugging baby lamb
• Spending time with my family

Sleepy baby lamb.

This was the best part of my weekend.

Follow-up: I have had a Nutella Hot Chocolate the other day - it was amazing. I have had to resist getting another one. I have not managed to do anything to get my work life balance back into line. Still need to work on that one. 

Anxiety - Why the Shame

Anxiety is Over Whelming! 

I do talk about myself a lot but I guess it is mostly drivel. Today will be different I am wanting to get some things off my chest. 

Truths about me that I do not like to admit:

• have bad anxiety
• get depressed
• take lots of medication that increase both of anxiety and depression
• I had a transplant and get sick a lot... I mean a lot - even the smallest thing floors me
• when I get upset it takes me ages to get over it...
• I over think every aspect of my life - even when it is good.
• Have meeting with my lovely psychologist about once a month - who gives me ways to cope
• I view seeing my psychologist as a weakness - not that I view other people that way just me
• Struggle with feeling stupid and not good at what ever I do - therefore always try hard
• Have been bullied during my life more times than I like to think about -from young to present
• Hate confrontation and shouting 
• Never like to admit that I am not strong - stay strong and push through

Everyday is a new challenge and some days are a lot better than others. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

The dawn of a new day!

Other Truths about me that I feel I will never achieve:

• Would like to run my own business and therefore be my own boss
• Publish a book
• Not have to deal with people that are bullies 
• Be able to manage my anxiety so I do not feel so over whelmed and struggle to get out of bed
• Be great at something that I like doing - I am one of these people that do looks of things but I do them mediocre 
•  Be strong when people treat me like shit and be able to handle it better.

Wishing the fog would lift!

As you may have guessed I am trying to work some things out in my head, but it feels that it is so foggy in there at the moment. Portia  (the critical voice in my head) is saying in her judging, very loud, posh ascent  - "you are stupid, useless, horrible person, could not cope running a business, why would anyone want you to work for them you are always sick," etc... You get the drift.

The tiny little voice Alice (the positive voice in my head) very quietly spoken and can be very rarely heard with all the other racket going on, but every now and then she breaks through saying "you are great, intelligent, hard worker, funny, " 

Alice is so gentle that Portia pushing her aside while rolling her eyes, with her Resting Bitch Face... Say sorry as she is shoved out the way, thinking that she is always in the way and needs to be more quite....

Life is complicated inside my head. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest or more like out of my head. I am going to try and get some sleep with Portia screaming in my head.

Follow-up: I had to much chocolate today, but I loved it so much. I have done no exercise again for the full week and I have hardly left my bed today. Tomorrow is another day!